Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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