New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
