Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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