I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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