you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
