I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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