i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
