Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
