Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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