The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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