I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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