i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i dont even know how to be here
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
