I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
