I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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