i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
