yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
