I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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