I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize