Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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