remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
