my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
