i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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