My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
