On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There are leaves in my underwear?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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