Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
