you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
