Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
