Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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