I just pynch a tree in the face
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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