How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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