chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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