My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
