I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
