I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
