The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
