I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
