Someone shit on the floor
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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