he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
