I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize