I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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