Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
