Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
