maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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