I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
