Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
