It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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