just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
