no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize