saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I stole a fireplace last night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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