So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
