Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
