saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
