Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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