i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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