My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
