This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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