probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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