like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
