Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize