We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
