So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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